A Moment Like This... (Zouk)

23-01-09 Farewell in Zouk

Today is the last day he works here. After work we are planning to go to Zouk for his farewell. This is a day which I never want it to come. How can I live without him here? My life would be so bored without him around teasing and kidding with me. I am so gonna miss him. Out of a sudden a song played in my mind… a song that describes my feeling of that moment…

How do I,

Get through the night without you?

If I had to live without you,

What kind of life would that be?

Oh, I

I need you in my arms, need you to hold,

You're my world, my heart, my soul,

If you ever leave,

Baby you would take away everything good in my life,

And tell me now

How do I live without you?

I want to know,

How do I breathe without you?

If you ever go,

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I, how do I,

oh how do I live?

Without you,

There'd be no sun in my sky,

There would be no love in my life,

There'd be no world left for me.

And I,

Baby I don't know what I would do,

I'd be lost if I lost you,

If you ever leave,

Baby you would take away everything real in my life,

And tell me now,

How do I live without you?

I want to know,

How do I breathe without you?

If you ever go,

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I, how do I,

oh how do I live?

Please tell me baby,

How do I go on?

If you ever leave,

Baby you would take away everything,

I need you with me,

Baby don't you know that you're everything,

Real in my life?

And tell me now,

How do I live without you,

I want to know,

How do I breathe without you?

If you ever go,

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I, how do I,

oh how do I live?

How do I live without you?

How do I live without you baby?

Tears roll down but I have to pretend to be strong and happy for him. I force myself to smile and joke around as if his leaving doesn’t affect me at all. But deep down inside me, I wanna tie him down to his chair so that he can’t leave. Hahhaha. What a shitty idea. Celine always say she dunno where is all my shitty idea comes from. I wonder too. Ok enough of nonsense. Continue to my sad stories… I always wonder why the time is passing so slow during working hours and I pray and pray for it to pass faster but today, the time flies like nobody business and I pray and pray for it to pass slower. No matter how slow or how fast the time passes, the moment that I hate the most finally comes. He is packing and I went home to prepare myself for his farewell in ZOUK.

We meet in ZOUK entrance at about 11pm. Went in and order a bottle of Liquor. At first I only drink Coke, but then he teases me and dare me to drink his. I drank. After a few glass, I am a bit tipsy and can’t stand straight. Celine and I dance and dance; laughing non stop at all the nonsense that we talk. Trying to enjoy myself so that I won’t think so much. He holds onto me so that I won’t fall and he is there all the times to take care of me. I felt so secure and loved... my friend took our pictures holding each other. This is good as I can keep it as memories. Good times don’t last forever and it’s time to go home. He don’t let me drive and ask one of my colleague to drive us home. Half way he called and asks us to go mamak. We meet in Dharoos, Uptown. Drink for an hour and we decided to leave. I am sober but still he doesn’t want me to drive. So he suggest that Celine drive his car to fetch our colleague home and he take my car and we meet up at Celine’s place. I told him I can drive them home and he can go home from there. But he insisted that we stick to what he said. So Celine took his car and fetch her home and he took my car to Celine’s house. We reach Celine’s house and waited for her. We are teasing and pinching each other. It’s so much fun when I’m with him. We went down the car to smoke and I lean against him. The feeling is so indescribable. He starts pinching me again and I saw Celine is back with his car and the war stop. We finished our cigarettes and left. I MISS HIM SO MUCH...

"Never look back," we said

How was I to know I'd miss you so?

Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind

Where do I go?”

I wonder…

A Moment Like This... (Sids)

22-01-09 Sids

A week has past since the incident. We never mentioned what had happened between us. I find it a bit awkward to face or talk to him. Dunno where to start and dunno what to talk. I think he feels the same way too. I tried to be normal but I’m not normal. How can I pretend to be normal when I know there is something very wrong between us? I started to think that that night was just a bonus night, a night that won’t happened if both of us was sober. I started to think that maybe he is just into a rebound relationship or it’s normal for him to do this to any other girls. I started to think that he regretted on what happened and it won’t happen again!!! I regretted that I didn’t ask him how he feels towards me. I regretted that we didn’t do “it” that night. I pray for a second chance, I pray and wish that if only I got a second chance to be alone with him… I will ask and do it. No matter what... but I guess it’s just won’t happen again… sigh

Today, a few of our colleague are going for a farewell dinner for him after work in a restaurant at Paramount, PJ. I’m driving him there as I dunno how to get to that place. We are a bit late as we took the wrong turn and got lost but we managed to get there. Had our dinner, drank a bit of wine and chatted happily, laughing and making fun of each other. His phone rang and I over heard that his friend is asking him for second round in Sids and he agrees to join them later. My dreams broke into million pieces as I won’t get a chance to be with him… ALONE!!! One of my colleague ask me whether is there any second round after this and I told them to ask him coz its his farewell and not mine. He kept quite. Means NO. So we paid for the bill and get to our car. I thought he will ask me to fetch him back to office to collect his car so that he can go and meet up with his friend. Instead, he looks up at me and says “now, let’s go for second round” I was shocked that he invited me. I asked him where are we going and who are we meeting and what time are we leaving as tomorrow is Friday...sadly to say; working day!!! He told me we are going to Sids, meeting up with few of his friend and we will be off around 12am as he just needs a glass of beer. I agreed. I am so happy that he invited me. SO so happy…

On the way to Sids, he ask me whether I know how to get there or not and I said yes. He told me that he doesn’t believe me and if I ever take a wrong turn then I will owe him one pinch. I agree. I nearly took the wrong turn and he claim that I owe him a pinch. We argue coz I told him the turning is not here yet but he says “I know u very well. If you know the turning coming soon, from far you will keep to your left already”. Which is true; I have to admit. Half way I ask him a question so that I can contra off the pinch that I owe him. I asked “do you know what song is this?” He replied “if I know the song’s title and the singer, how? You owe me another 2 pinch!!” I said ok. And to my surprise he knows the song and the singer!!! It’s a song sang by Jay Chow and the title is “Hua Hai”. A banana that’s knows Chinese song… hahahhaha. He said that I totally owe him 3 pinches!! I told him I’m not letting him pinch me. Every time he pinches me, I will surely get blue-black here and there. He says no way and I’m gonna get it from him later...

We reached Sids, ordered our drinks and he chatted happily with his friends. I listened to them chatting and playing sms at the same time. Each time my sms ring, he will look at me with one funny look. I said sorry and mute my phone. His brother comes later and I chat with him. We left around 12.30am and his brother offers to fetch him back to office to collect his car but he insisted that I will fetch him; which I don’t mind at all. As usual he likes to kacau me when I’m driving; skips all my favorite song that are playing on my radio; giving me the funny faces and asking me to keep my eyes on the wheel; pinching and making fun of me.

We reached office around 12.45am and I walked with him to B2 to get his car. Along the way to his car, he started to pinch me and I fight back we laugh and laugh till we get into his car but the fighting didn’t stop. We had lots of fun in the car until we saw a security guard walking around and we decided to drive off. We drove to the parking behind stadium. That is the place that brings the most memorable memories. The memories that will stay in my mind forever… the feeling of kissing him, the feeling of hugging him, the feeling when we touch, the feeling of him being around me, the feeling of sleeping on his lap, the feeling of him pinching me, the look when he smiles, his eyes, his strong arms, his fingers, his everything… that night we finally did it… but we stop half way as there is passer by. He told me that we can continue next time. I told him it’s very nice hugging him. And he said good for you… we smoked outside his car. I hug him so tight. So so tight. I wanted to ask him so badly how he thinks of me. I really do. But words just don’t come out from my mouth. I am speechless, wordless…

Sometimes I asked GOD; WHY? Why get me in this type of situation? Why can’t I be with the one that I like? Why he doesn’t like me? Why? Why? Why? But I guess the problem is not with GOD. It’s ME. GOD gave me a second chance but I missed it. I am so regret. But I can’t turn back time and I can’t change thing that had happen. These teach me a lesson… opportunity is not always here, and when it’s here you gotta grab it before it’s too late. I guess me and him has no fate after all. I always tell my friend… “When GOD take something away from you, it’s because he wants to give you something BETTER” I always believe it… always do.

“God will make a way

Where there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side

With love and strength for each new day

He will make a way....

He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness

He'll lead me

And rivers in the desert will I see

Heaven and earth will fade

But His Word will still remain

And He will do something new today”

Emmanuel

A Moment Like This... (Madigras)

15-01-09 Madigras

“A moment like this

Some people wait a lifetime,

For a moment like this

Some people search forever,

For that one special kiss

Oh, I can't believe it's happening to me

Some people wait a lifetime,

For a moment like this

Could this be the greatest love of all?

I wanna know that you will catch me when I fall

So let me tell you this...

Some people wait a lifetime

For a moment like this…”

This day is a very special day which unexpected things happened just like in fairy tales. It’s just like I’m dreaming a dream that I always wanted to dream. A dream that I’ve been longing for a very long time…A dream that I want it to last forever…

Here goes the story… Celine had an event in 1 Utama; Madigras for her partner and invited me and him to go over for drinking session after work. I asked him whether can he fetch me there and I will follow Celine’s car back to office after the event to collect my car coz he told me he might want to go to gym later. He agreed. At 6.30 pm I walk to his place and tell him I will drive my car up to the open air car park and wait for him. But he asks me to drive him instead. I do as requested, drive him to 1 Utama. On the way, I asked him… “Why don’t you drive? Then you can go gym and I can follow Celine back. Now u have to come back all the way here to get your car and drive all the way back there.” He replied “I like ar…. I got time or I can go tomorrow.” It’s fine with me…anyway I don’t mind driving him around, as long as I can be with him.

Reached Madigras, lots of partner is there. We went separately to entertain our partners. Free flow of beers and coke!!! I love Coke!!! But sadly, I am not allowed to drink coke. So beer… here I come. Drink and drink and drink till most of the partner leave. Only a few of us are still there and we continue to drink. Havoc. This one hugs that, that one hugs this… some KOsss… some dancing… some drinking… I asked him to protect m from this guy which I don’t really like, he did. The whole night he is protecting me from this guy. Took up my beer to drink but he stop me, say it’s enough already. If I want to drink, drinks slowly don’t bottom up. He is so caring and that’s the reason why I like him in the first place. Party over and we decided to go yam cha at mamak. He holds my hand to support me and we walk to the parking as I can’t walk straight. (I’m drunk, I admit) Suddenly, he looks at me and says “I wonder what will happen to you when I’m not here. Can you don’t do this when I’m not around?” I say “Yes. I promise you”. Then he adds “So nice or not… V hugs you?” I thought I hear wrongly so I ask him what he said again. He said nothing… forget it. Reached my car but he don’t let me drive. So he drove to Dharoos Uptown. When we reach there he asks me to call Celine and see whether she reach already or not. I told him she is here already coz her car is parked behind us. I open the car door to get down but he is still sitting there not moving. Asked him why he says he is wearing his shoe. I tease him why wear shoe also have to take so long? I called him fatty and he pinches me. We start pinching each other and laughing till I am so tired I lie down on his lap. Told him I need 5 minutes and he waited. After a few minutes, we went down and meet the rest. Ordered our drinks and food. He put my car keys on the table and I took back. He looks at me and asks me to give him back the car key and I say no. He insisted and I gave him back. He looks at Celine and says “Please take care of her when I’m not around.” I feel so touched when I hear him say that. Never before a guy care for me so much and this make me like him more and more.

After mamak, he fetches me back to office to get his car. Entrance to B2 parking is closed so he parks my car at the open air car park. There we start pinching each other again. And honestly, I enjoyed it. We are laughing hysterically. I told him I will walk him down to B2 to get his car. We hold hand and walk to B2 pinching and laughing all the way to his car. Entered his car and he drive up and park next to my car. I don’t want to get down from his car but I can’t just sit there right? So I ask him to give me back my car key. And he asks me to get it myself from his driver seats compartment. I did as told and he did not stop me!!! I thought he will stop me from getting my car key and we can stay together a little longer. BUT… he didn’t. Sadly, I open his car door and when I was about to get out of it, he pinch me!! hahahhaha. That’s it. I get back into the car and the war begins… we fight till we are so exhausted I was lying on his lap again playing with his phone. His hand is around my waist. It feels so right. Suddenly he told me my GM is walking towards us. I’m shocked and sit right up. I dunno whether my GM see or knows it’s us or not. He walks to his car and drive away. Gosh… that was scary. Few cars coming towards our place and he suggest we go somewhere else and since we are out of cigarette, I told him to go to the nearest petrol station to get it. We drove to Shell, bought a pack of ciggy and drive to the apartment near to our office. He park along the road side. We smoke. I was on his lap lying down resting while he starts pinching me again. I asked him what he wants in return for the Mickey Mouse that he bought for me. He said he can't think of any for the moment. Once he knows what he want, he will let me know. I told him he only got till this Friday, as that will be his last day. So might as well let me know now. He think for a while and he says "I want lifetime pinching" and smiles... Oh GOD, I can't forget the looks of his face when he smiles, the glitters of his eyes... This is when the magical moment happens…. A moment that I always wanted, a moment that I have long for a very long time…A moment that I will remember forever; we touched, we kissed (I always wonder how does it feel to kiss him), we hug, I gave him a love bite on his neck and he gave me back; 3!!! I told him not to leave the company as I will miss him very much. He smiled. And replied “I know you will miss me, but it’s too late. I have to leave. I know that you like me very much”. I admitted to him that I do like him very much (I wanted to ask him whether he feels the same towards me but I don’t dare). He didn’t tell me how he feels. He didn’t tell me that he feels the same way nor he dislikes me. But the moment seems so real, he seems so real, everything seems so real… I can't believe it's happening to me!!! He was there with me from 12.30am till 3.30am. He said that I’m drunk and he wants to wait till I’m sober. I told him I am sober but he doesn’t believe me. So, we spent 3 hours quality time together. I told him it’s late and we shall leave else he won’t be able to wake up to work tomorrow. I told him I don’t mind spending the whole night there with him but tomorrow is a working day… so we better get going. We smoke the last cigarette and he fetches me back to office and gets my car…. THE END…. For the day… :)

A Moment Like This... (Luna Bar)

12-01-09 Luna Bar

I told Alex that I never been to Luna Bar… I heard that it is a very nice place and he suggested to we go there for a drink. Celine and I agree… so there we go. I was so amazed with the place the moment I step in. It feels so good, so relaxing just by sitting there with the cold breeze blowing and blowing. We ordered 3 jugs of beers… which I know that we can’t finish but because it’s on happy hours and the price is cheaper compare to if we order jug by jug. What to do, human nature… Kiasu. Hahahha

We chat and drink and laugh and laugh and drink and chat from dawn till night. We chat about almost everything from work to friends to relationships to family and all kind of shits. Sitting there wondering how can 3 of us finish the 3 jugs of beer that we ordered, Alex suggested to we call him to come over and join us. I told them that he won’t come all the way here just for a glass of beer and tonight it’s his gym night!! They insist… took my handphone and call him. While Alex is talking to him on the phone, Celine and I stood up, look out the windows and scream our lungs out. We are a bit tipsy at that moment. Alex told us that he is coming over to meet us which I think it’s unbelievable.

Celine and I thought that he will ffk but he show up 45 mins later. My heart beats so fast like it’s gonna fall out any minutes. I am so happy to see him. Celine pull Alex away so that I can spend some time alone with him… and I’m glad that she did it. While she is gone with the wind for almost an hour, we had… or I think I should say; I had a very wonderful time being alone with him in such a nice and romantic place. We were fighting and pinching each other; laughing away; chatting; drinking; disturbing each other. A day that I will never forget for a very very long time. Celine and Alex came back to join us; but the fighting and pinching session continues. Alex took a few pictures of us fighting which is now store in my handphone for personal viewing. When I miss him I will take a look at the picture and the memories just flash back in my mind like it just happened last night.

"Thinking of you, I'm thinking of you... All I can do is just think about you. Thinking of you, I'm thinking of you. Whenever I'm blue I am thinking of you. No matter how I try I don't find a reason why.. Believe me it's no lie I always have you on my mind"

A Moment Like This…(Jeram Desu)

13-12-08 Jeram Desu

Company organized a trip to Jeram Desu, a 2 days 1 night trip. I got to know that none of my close colleague or my friend is going for this trip. The only person I know it’s him and the rest are aliens to me.

I was thinking of not going to the trip but Celine asked me to go and have fun with him. Spent some quality time there together since none of them I know he will sure take care of me. I doubt that at the moment but decided to go ahead as planned.

Reached office the next morning and waited for the bas to come. He came... smelling like he just took his bath with alcohol and start counting people and arranging the parking for us. He drags me down to B1 to look for the guards informing them that we will park our car there over night. Then I went up to the bus thinking that I will be sitting alone throughout the whole trip… sigh. Then there he came, walk straight to my place and sit beside me. I secretly smile. We did not talk much throughout the journey as both of us are exhausted with the late night party we had separately the day before. We sleep throughout the trip. It was cold inside the bus but luckily i bought along my cardigan. Halfway through the journey i woke up finding it a bit warm... i saw the aircon is off and i asked him did he off it, he said yes. So sweet of him. I'm so touched. He snatched my pillow and hug it so tight...He falls asleep with it within minutes...

Reached there, he gave me all his belonging (wallet, handphone, cigarette, clothes etc) and I put it all in my bag pack. People are wondering why isn’t he bringing anything with him since we have to change after all the sports that we gonna play. He just point at me and say “there… my maid is carrying all my stuff for me”. After all the tiring and exhausted game, we went back to hotel, washed up and go for dinner. After dinner a bunch of us went out for a walk around the small town and we end up at this bar to have some drinks. I got to know to that my roommate wont be back early and I started to get panic as I am very scare to stay in hotel room myself. He told me not to worry he will teman me till my roommate come back. So sweet of him. All the fear gone… We drank till around 11plus and when back to hotel. He told me to stay in his room and wait, I agree. We sit there for like 30 mins and he suggest to we go to the karaoke room and join the others while his roommate is sleeping in the room. We went down for a while and its damn cold in the room. We went out to smoke, he holds my arms and says… “Wow... you feel so cold” I told him its very cold inside and he brings me back to his room, we watch movie but I am so sleepy and drunk. He took out his bottle of water and passes it to me, ask me to drink more water. I drank. He took his bath, come out smelling so fresh and I offer him my lotion. He asks me to help him with it, which I don’t mind helping at all. I rub the lotion on his hand, fingers and shoulder. We waited… and waited till I fall asleep beside him (he is leaning against the bed watching tv). It feels so good sleeping beside him, I feel so secure with him around me. 2am and my roommate still not back yet, I know he is tired and I told him I’m going back to my room and sleep.

The next day, we went to water fall in four wheel drive; the road is bumpy and winding, along the journey he kept on asking me to put my leg inside the four wheel drive as he is afraid I will get hurt from the branches. I am very happy that he care… really. Cutting the story short… we play water, change and travel all the way down, shower, and its time to go home. Along the way we stop by this famous “taufu” store, I bought a bottle of soya bean and we share. Then we stop by “kacang” factory. There he bought a packet of peanut. When up the bas… he opens that packet of peanut and start eating. He offer me and I took a few as I am not a peanut lover. He asked why did I stop eating and I told him I have no energy to peel after all those energy using game that we went through. He looks at me unbelievably and speechless… he peels it for me but I told him it’s nicer to eat without the dressing. Shockingly, he did that for me!!! Ask me to open my mouth and he put it in. That was so sweet. After finishing the peanuts we chat and start pinching each other (he likes pinching me… which I dunno why). Suddenly he ask me to help him put on some lotion as his hand are very dry. I did. Out of a sudden, he looks at me and tells me “you treat me so good”. These words are very normal but coming out from his mouth is… is… it just feel so good. He knows I care about him, and I feel that he care about me too throughout this trip.

Finally we reach back to office. He asks me to teman him till his parents come and fetch him. We waited in my car… pinching each other, playing “one two jus” and the winner get to slap the loser!!! Hahhahaha. It’s so fun and memorable. We laugh and laugh till his parents came…. TBC.

The Tales of 3 Hearts and a Mickey Mouse

I received the first heart during our lunch in Bayu Timor. Me, him and another colleague went there to have lunch. While waiting for the food to come, he pulls out the piece of paper from his cigarette box and start folding. He asks us what we want him to fold… and I said dolphin!! He smile and say no. And he continues to fold. Again he asked, guess what he is folding, I said I dunno which is a lie. I know what he is doing but I pretend to be stupid. My colleague replied… heart. He smiled. After finished folding the heart, I thought he will give it to my colleague but instead he looks at me and says… “Nah, give you”. I was like “huh, for me??... Thanks” and I kept it in my handbag.

2nd heart is when we have dinner with a group of colleague in a Chinese restaurant somewhere in PJ. As usual, he just pulls out that piece of paper and start folding. This time he just put in on my hand… I was surprise and I quickly close my hand so that the rest don’t notice it. Then he said “haiya, give u also no use. I’m sure u will lost it” and I told him I won’t.

The 3rd heart is the most memorable one. He is going to HK for Christmas holiday with his family. I told him I wants souvenir... I want MICKEY MOUSE!!! He said NO!!! You gotta earn it if you want it. So whatever he asked me to do… I’ll do it for him. Like taking water for him, throwing rubbish, throwing his cigarette ashes etc etc. Before he left for his plane, I send him sms reminding him about my Mickey Mouse. He didn’t reply. Time pass so slow without him around the office. Finally he came back to work on Friday, I asked him bout the Mickey Mouse. He said he didn’t buy coz he can’t find it in HK. He said he didn’t go Disneyland and there isn’t any MM in the entire HK!! I told him it’s ok coz I didn’t expect him to get me anything. I asked him to teman me go pay parking fees in B1 which he agrees. We went down and smoke before we pay the parking. He asks me to take out my hand… which I did and he places his empty cigarette box onto my hand and asks me to throw for him. I said no coz he didn’t get me the MM. He said he tried to find but can’t get. I told him, too bad… then u gotta throw it yourself. He holds the box and was trying to get something out of there. Took something out and gave it to me… it was the 3rd one. I told him I don’t want this, I only want MM but deep down in my heart…. I SMILED…

Weekend comes and goes… sigh… I hate Monday. I hate Monday. As usual, I reached office at 8am dragging my legs to walk to my cubicle. On the way I saw there is souvenir on my colleagues table… but there aren’t any on my table!!!! WTF??? How come I don’t have??? I was thinking to myself, this gonna make my day even worst… open up my drawer to put in my handbag… there I saw this MM plastic bag. Took it out and open it… a Mickey Mouse looking at me with a broad smile. I smiled back… even broader… :)

Buried in the Sand...

Port Dickson...

I started to like him when we were in Port Dickson last year. I don't remember exactly which month or date. We were there because one of our colleague is not happy. Four of us drive down to Port Dickson. We ate dinner in a restaurant beside the beach. We chat and laugh... It's one of the memories that I won't forget.

When we came back, lots of thing happened which I don't know how to write it down. All those memories that I won't forget. All those memories that I don't want to forget. But now, I think I should forget all of it and start on my new life...

Last week, a group of us went to Port Dickson to celebrate his birthday. There I got to know that he is now with someone. And that someone is my friend. I am very happy for both of them. I am happy that he can finally let go of his past failure and start accepting other people. Sincerely. He is the one that teach me how to fold the "Heart" in the picture. I remembered he gave me 3 of those. I lost one of it and kept the other 2 in my house. I fold this when we are in the beach last week. I was sitting there looking at them playing water happily, I was stuck in between feeling happy and sad at the same time. I am very happy for them but feeling sad for myself. That moment I decided to let everything go. EVERYTHING. I dig a hole in the sand and place the "Heart" inside and buried it. Buried it deep inside the place where it all started. I guess life is like that, it will end where it started.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

IF

The "IF" Questions...

I am driving home from work and as usual was stuck in the jam. My mind starts to wonder around and suddenly the word “IF” just appear in my head. “IF” is such a common word that I believe everyone of us will use. I like using the word “IF”… often I ask my self “IF” I know… "IF" i don't know... “IF” I do this…. “IF” I don’t do this…"IF” I am … "IF I am not...“IF” he loves me… “IF” he don’t loves me… all these “IF” question often pop up in my mind. I even wrote him a letter using the word “IF” (with the help of my friend, haha)

“IF I have never met you, I would never know you. IF I never known you, we would never be friend. IF we were never friend, then we wouldn’t spend time together. IF we have never spent time together, then we would never know each other. IF we never know each other, then I would never have like you. IF I never like you, I will never have miss you this much…”

See the amount of “IF” that I use? We like to use the word “IF” even in Beyonce’s song; If I were a boy. The first time when I heard it playing in the radio, I like it so much. Sometimes I really wish that I am a boy even just for a day so that I can understand what they are thinking in their brain. They say women are hard to understand but to me, men are worst. Their ego is so huge until they refuse to listen or even try to understand a woman. Women are a very simple living creature. All they want is someone that care, love and understand them. Someone that will be there for her when she needed them. That’s all. Simple right? But it seems so hard for them to do it.

Oops..coming back to the topic, in the middle of the jam… I was thinking why the hell do we like or even use the word “IF”, why would it ever appear in the English dictionary? BECAUSE… there is no “IF”!!!! Example: If I were a boy… (But you are not a boy!! There is no way that you can be or think like a boy) or if I didn’t do this… (But you already DID!!) or If he loves me, then he wont… There is not IF. It’s either you are or you are not. It’s either you do this or that. It’s either he loves you or he doesn’t. NO “IF”… So why bother using the word “IF”? Why bother asking yourself “IF”? We can’t turn back time and redo what we have already done and we can’t change the fact!!!

So…STOP asking yourself the “IF” question. It won’t bring anything to you but hurt. You know you did something wrong but you can’t change the fact. The more you think about “IF…” the more hurts you will get. This teaches me a lesson, think with your head and feel with your heart before you make any decision. Whatever that’s done is done. There is nothing that we can do about it. No point to linger around the problem and make yourself miserable. So treasure your life and the people around you before it’s too late.

“Yesterday is HISTORY. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it present...”

ENJOY each day of your life!!! :p

Have You Ever

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever,have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything up to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever,have you ever

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for that day
when they will care

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever,have you ever

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep

Have you ever?

I remember once my friend asked me, do you like him or do you love him? It's just a few months since you guys are so close together. Are you sure it's love and not like? I asked her what is the different between likes and love? She ask me to google and find out the different coz she wanna know as well. I tried googling and above is what I found. Which i think it's kinda true, when u love someone you just cant find the right words to express yourself. You are willing to do almost everything just to make him happy. You will do almost anything just to see him smile. You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness. Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really wanna do is cry. That's LOVE. That's when i tell her it's love as i have experience all the above....

“Meeting him was fate, becoming his friend was a choice, but falling in love with him I had no control over.”

Even when i received his e-mail telling me that he doesn't share the same sentiment and my friend kept telling me that he is just toying with my feeling... nothing more than that. I did not get mad or angry with him. I enjoyed the moment we are together. Sometimes when I sit down and think back those days, I'll smile broadly... I love him, but I can't control how he feels about me. I can't force him to feel the same way as I felt for him. All I can do now is to be his friend and hope that one day, one fine day miracle will happen to both of us...

Life is like a roller coaster

Life is like a roller coaster. It's always a different thrill each day. For it's never the same ride for all. Sometimes it's up, sometimes it’s down. Twisting and turning, through thick and thin, Up and down... Some people scream, some people shout, some cry, some laugh. Same goes to me...

I’ve been laughing and crying for the past 5 months. Laugh is because of all the little little things that he does, the care that he shows and the time that we spent together… it was like a dream comes true, moments that I will never forget… we are not in a relationship but somehow the thing that we do is more than what friends will do. I really like and care for him and he knew it. Maybe it’s normal for him to do this to a girl but for me it’s something very real and sweet. He never tell me how he feels about me, whether he likes me or not. I wanted to ask him so much but I don’t have the guts to ask. So I decided to send him email telling him about my feeling and asking whether he feels the same. He replied. The answer from him was… he didn’t share the same sentiment. It hurts so much; it’s like a knife stab straight right into my heart. Tears fall down uncontrollably. Days pass by like years to me. I cried till my tears within runs dry…

My friends notice that I changed from a cheerful and talkative girl to a moody, quite and bad tempered creature. They are worried bout me. Celine; is there for me all this time. She knows the happy and the sad story of mine. She stays with me throughout my hard times. Trying her best to cheer me up and listening to all my crappy complains. She sacrifices all her time to go out with me… drinking, shopping, watching movie, clubbing etc till LATE to keep me occupied. I can’t sleep and eat well for months. It’s so suffering. She consult me non stop asking me to forget bout him and move on with my life. She told me it’s not worth it to go through all this pain for a guy that does not care about me, don't cry over someone that won't cry over you and no guy is worth your tears and when you find The One that is he won't make you cry. I know and I understand. That’s what I use to advise my friend when they are unhappy. But… HELL!!! It’s easier said than done!!!

It goes on for the past few weeks. Didn’t sleep much, didn’t eat much. Damn, I’m exhausted. I’m so tired and sick with my life, having to cope with my emotion and work. But GOD loves me so much that he sends down his angel to look after me… that is my lovely and caring friends. As time goes by, I don’t miss him that much but the feeling of liking him is still there. I tried to talk to him the way we used to talk and pretend that nothing happen between us. I’m doing it quite well for the moment and I think it could be better… It’s just the matter of time. All I need TO DO is...

"Forget the times he walked by, Forget the times he made you cry, Forget the times he spoke your name, Remember now your not the same.

Forget the times he held your hand, Forget the sweet things if you can, Forget the times & Don't pretend, Remember now he's just your friend."

Today is Good Friday… the road to my office is so clear. It’s been so long that I never drive so smoothly along that stupid LDP in the morning to work. I was thinking to myself, today must be my lucky day; no jam; nice music playing on the radio; weekend coming; and most importantly TGIF!!! Reach car park and saw Celine just reach as well. She asks me to enter to her car to listen to a very meaningful song. As I listen to the song, I felt so peaceful and relaxing. It gives me the strength to carry on with my life positively. Below is how the song goes…

I WILL OVERCOME

There are times when I cry
Till my tears within runs dry
From the pain deep inside that won’t subside
But when I close my eyes and try
To see the brighter side in life
Lord you reveal Your strength in me
With the will to survive

I may overcome
The struggles in my life
Yes I must overcome
All evil plans and lies
Lord I will overcome
For Your purpose in my life
Cause I believe in You
On the Cross You saw me through
That I will overcome

All the questions in my mind
And the love I leave behind
Of the people and the loved ones in my life
But as I close my eyes and cry
The tears of peace I now realize
When Lord you reveal Your Hands to me
With Heaven in my sight

Cheers...