Guilin, China 13th - 18th Nov 2009

My first paid trip to oversea in my entire life!!! All my previous trip are all sponsor by either company or vendor. But not this trip. It's all because of Uncle Loong asking me teman him to Matta Fair. Since i got nothing to do over the weekend, i agreed. So on that day.. Uncle Loong, Annie and I goes in one car, walk walk see see and look look. Both of them choose Guilin, China. I told them i am not intended to go for holiday. I was there to teman them see see look look only. But they insist, else both of them also won't go. I have no choice but to say yes. so there we are booking ticket and doing arrangement. That was few months back.

Time comes and times goes, finally the time has arrive. We gather in Annie's house that night before departure, playing computer games and chit chatting till late. Took a few hours nap and headed straight to airport. Waited 2 hours for the plane to fly and another 6 hours sitting still in the plane and at last we reach Guilin, China. The airport doesn't look as nice as KLIA; of coz... but once out of that place, the weather is so nice, so cooling. there, start our wonderful and memorable trip. This is one of the best trip and the most exciting trip ever!!! Full of laughter, some arguements, walking up and down those caves, boat riding along the river (this is the best. it feels so calm and you just felt that there isn't any stress or worries in your life. Just by sitting there in front of the boat with the gentle wind blowing right at your face) and those scenery!!!! You can't imagine how nice it is until you see it with your own eyes. Those hills, those crystal clear waters; it's just like you are living in a peaceful wonderland.

Three of us spent 6 days 5 nights there. We learn a lot about each other and see those characters that we will never see back here in KL. Took a lots of pictures and all uploaded in Facebook!!!! Those memories will always remain in my heart... Here are some pictures that I wanna share with you all.... Enjoy :)

Spot the Elepant!!!

Guilin, China

The two Crazy creatures

Guilin, China

My "Daddy" and "Mommy"

Annie, Me & Loong

Annie and I

This is Uncle Loong, the culprit that make me waste money and steal my limelight in this picture!!!

The beautiful scenery of Guilin Crystal clear river!!!

Men Are Hard To Please

The problem with guys

If you treat him nicely, he says you are in love with him;
If you don’t, he says that you are proud.
If you dress nicely, he says that you are trying to lure him;
If you don’t, he says that you are from Kampung.
If you argue with him, he says that you are stubborn;
If you keep quite, he says that you have no brains.
If you are smarter than him, he’ll lost face;
If he’s smarter than you, he is great.
If you don’t love him, he will try to possess you;
If you love him, he will try to leave you.
If you don’t make love with him, he says that you don’t love him;
If you do!!! He says that you are cheap,
If you tell him your problem, he says that you are troublesome;
If you don’t, he says that you don’t trust him.
If you scold him, he says that you are a nanny to him;
If he scolds you, it is because he cares for you.
If you break for promise, you cannot be trusted;
If he breaks his, he is forced to do so.
If you smoke, you are a bad girl;
If he smokes, he is a gentleman.
If you do well in your exams, he says it’s luck;
If he does well, it’s brains.
If you hurt him, you are cruel;
If he hurts you, you are too sensitive!!!
Oh Guys…. You are just so hard to please….

Dream comes True

Since young, I always wanted to go Hong Kong. But don't know why and don't know how the dream just don't come true. Either no money or no people want to go when I want to go. Until this year... Audrey ask me want to go HK or not. I told her no money, very expensive. She told me she got cheap tickets plus accomodation. And I agree. So there we go....

The trip was schedule on 17th July to 21st July 2009 (Friday to Tuesday). I was so happy I can't sleep at night so I decided to go watch midnight movie "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince" 12.10am till 3am plus. Reach home and start packing!!! I haven't pack a single stuff. Pack till 4am, chat with my friend on msn for a while and sleep for an hour before I rush to airport.

The flight is 9am in the morning and we reach HK at around 1pm. Was so excited when we reach there. Our hotel is in Mongkok, Langham Hotel (6 star)!!! Super nice. And then the journey begins, the never ending journey. Exciting and happy but damn tiring journey. Once we reach the hotel, throw our luggage and the walking begins. We are only allow to rest 1 hour a day besides than sleeping time. We walk from morning till night at least 11 hours a day!!! My legs is screaming for help but no one come and rescue it. Poor thing. That's a price to pay for everything. On the first day of arrival in HK, we got a news, a shocking and exciting news. There will be a TYPHOON NO 8 in HK at night. Audrey damn sad after hearing that news. But I was excited!!! I only see those in TVB series!!! I can't believe this is the first time I go HK and I have the chance to see what I can only see in TV!!! Audrey and I purposely go down to the lobby outside to smoke and feel the wind. Although its not No 8 yet; probably No. 6 but it's already damn windy.

During our stay there, we goes to alot of places... EXCEPT Disney!! sob sob. NO DISNEY in this trip. But, we still go a lot of places. From Mongkok to Central to Causeway Bay to Tsim Sha Tsui to Jordan to Yau Ma Tei to Wong Tai Sin and back to Central... During the 5 days 4 night there, the walking that we do is equivalent to 3 months walking ere. Believe it or not? BELIEVE IT!!!

The MTR in HK is really great. Fast and efficient. Every 3 minutes comes one. I just LOVE HK. I will sure go visit again. But this time less walking and more sight seeing. Wait for me!!

Wedding Bells

"There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved."

13th June 2009 is a day that my family and I will remember forever. One of our beloved family members; my sister Alison's wedding day. I remembered last year she told me that she is getting married with her BF next year (13th June 2009) and I told her "Wah, still so long..., still got 1 year lar. Wait till next year June then only tells me lar..."

Time flies like an arrow and fruit flies like a banana, in a blink of an eye the day that we have waited for finally came. All our preparations, our hard works (most of it done by Angeline, May and June) for months gone just like that…

We wake up like 7am plus to prepare all the foods to play the groom and his friends. They came around 9plus and the games started. We all laugh non stop at all the things that they are told to do. Around 11plus, after tea ceremony then we go straight to the groom’s house. Another round of tea ceremony and we rest for a while, then we proceed to church to the wedding.

At church, everything seems so calm but I am so nervous coz I have to walk down the aisle with Angeline, May and June as a bridesmaid. Wedding bell rings and the music starts… we walk slowly down the aisle… I am so nervous all I can do is look straight at Jesus. After the church wedding, we went back to Kelvin’s house, rest a while and accompany my sister go make up. After that, to restaurant. Keepo here and there, running up and down, searching this and that, drinking, eating, yam sing-ing, talking, etc etc and its time to go home. Pack up all the stuff and went to papa rich for supper. Then go home and sleeps like a pig.

There goes our preparation… and there goes my beloved sister too. I’ll miss her even tho we don’t see each other that often even when we are staying in the same roof. But… I miss her dearly. But I’m sure that she will have a very happy and blessed life. Living together with the one that she love and someone that loves her back….

Ever ever after !!!!!

Take A Bow

The flowers are all faded now
Along with your letters
They will never
see the light of day
Cause I'll never take them out
and there's no turning back
it's for the better
baby I deserve
more than empty words and promises
I believed every thing you said
And I gave you the best I had
Oh.

So take a bow.
Cause you've taken everything else
You played the part
and like a star you played it so well
Take a bow
Cause this scene is coming to an end
I gave you love.
All you gave me was pretend
so now
Take a bow

The future's about to change
Before you know it
the curtain closes
Take a look around
There's no one in the crowd
I'm throwing away the pain
And you should know that
your performance
it Made me stronger now

So take a bow.
Cause you've taken everything else
You played the part
and like a star you played it so well
Take a bow
Cause this scene is coming to an end
I gave you love.
All you gave me was pretend
so now
take a bow

Well it must have been sleight hand
Cause I still can't understand
how I could never see
Just what a fool believed
but the lies they start to show
tell me how it feels to know right now
that I wont be around
so baby before I put you out

Take a bow.
Cause you've taken everything else
You played the part
and like a star you played it so well
Take a bow
Cause this scene is coming to an end
I gave you love. All you
gave me was pretend
so now

Take a bow

"I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he WAS" I thought he won't play or toy with people's feeling - I WAS WRONG, I thought he was real - I WAS WRONG, I thought he has feeling towards me - I WAS WRONG, I thought the moment we spent together is fate wanting us to be together - I WAS WRONG, I thought "Life time pinching" is what you really want - I WAS WRONG!!!!. So So WRONG!!! I gave you love and all you gave me was pretend?!!? What a fool I am? Take a bow... you deserve it.

Sad Love Quotes

"As soon as forever is through, I'll be over you"
"The best way to mend a broken heart is time and girlfriends"
"Cry as I may these tears won’t wash you away"
"Listen to your heart before you tell him goodbye"
"We always ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us"
"Tears are words the heart can't express"
"The hardest to do is waking up without you."
"He taught me how to love, but not how to stop"
"Breaking up is just like having the worst nightmare after having the best dream"
"True love is when you shed a tear and still want him"
"The times we were happy together are worth the times I cry alone"
"Real loss only occurs when you lose something you love more than yourself"
"It's amazing how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces"
"Wherever you are, you'll always be in my heart”
"I hate the stars because I look at the same ones as you do, without you"
"I would give up everything for one moment with you; for one moment is better than a lifetime of not knowing you"
"Loving you was my favorite mistake"
"Our sweetest songs are those that tell of the saddest thoughts"
"What happens when he's your prince charming, but you're not his Cinderella?"
"In my dreams you're mine forever"
"Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime"
"The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else"
“If you love me, let me know. If not, please gently let me go"
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it"
"I'm afraid to love afraid to love so fast, because every time I fall in love it never seems to last"
"Its hard to pretend you love someone when you don't but it’s harder to pretend that you don't love someone when you really do"
"The worst feeling in the world is giving all the love you have and knowing it will never be returned"
"When a boy sweeps you off your feet, he's in the perfect position to drop you on your ass"
"It's funny how a person can break your heart, and you can still love them with all the little pieces"
"My heart bleeds no more since turning to stone"
"I gave you everything but it wasn't enough to make you stay"
"I hate you and everything we once were"
"True love will never fade unless it was a lie"
"If you love me so much, why are you walking away?"
"I wish I saved all the tears I cried for you so I could drown you in them"
"Every time I see him all cool, calm and collected, I lose my breath, my heart starts pounding, and I am painfully aware that I am not over him and he is over me"
"While I was holding on, all you did was let go"
"You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I love you more than you deserve, why am I such a fool?"
"People think it's holding on that makes you stronger, but sometimes it's letting go"
"Sometimes the memories are worth the pain"
"A million words would not bring you back, I know because I tried, neither would a million tears, I know because I cried"
"My heart was taken by you, broken by you and now it's in pieces because of you"
"When you left, I lost a part of me"
"I hate this feeling, it's one I know all to well, it's a thing called heartbreak and it hurts like hell"
"Everytime we talk, I fall a little harder"
"You never were and you never will be mine"
"Don't you dare remember me when she finally forgets you"
"Why did I fall for you when you just keep falling for her?"
"Where there is love, there is pain"
"Love is like heaven but can hurt like hell"
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"
"Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you and you meant nothing to him"
"All I know is that I'm lost without you"
"I miss you more than you'll ever know"
"How could an angel break me heart?"
"When I see you smile and know that it’s not for me, that's when I miss you the most"
"When you're in love and you get hurt, it's like a cut, it will heal with time but the scars will never fade"
"Love is just like magic, but magic is an illusion"
"I don’t miss him, I miss who I thought he was"
"Once upon a time I was falling in love, but now I’m falling apart"
"Sometimes you don’t realize how much you care for someone until they stop caring for you"
"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met"
"You never know what you have until it’s gone"

I'm tired of pretending... I'll get over you!

I'm tired of pretending that I don't care for you. Each lonely night keeps lending an atmosphere that's blue. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not in love with you. I'm tired of make believing that I'm happy when I'm not. I'm tired of hearing people say just look how much he's got. If you see me laughing it's just a thing I do. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not in love with you. I'm tired of pretending that everything's the same. I hate to be indifferent when people call your name. I'm tired of talking to myself and trying to ignore. The things that meant so much to me when I had you before. I'm tired of spending sleepless nights so many now it seems. I'm tired of waking up to find you're only in my dreams. I'm tired of pretending our love affair is through. I'm tired of pretending that I'm not in love with you…

One thing about this heart of mine: All my hurt's gonna mend in time. It don't leave no scars behind. I'll get over you. I'll find me a guy one day. Who's not scared to give his heart away. When I do it's safe to say: That I'll get over you. I'll get over you. I'll get through, and when I do, I'll be good as new. When I get over you. From now on think I'll lay low, I talked fast, but I'll move slow. You taught me all I need to know `Bout gettin' over you. Sometimes I think I love you still. Wonder if I always will… But I know it's just until I get over you. I'll get over you. I'll get through, and when I do, I'll be good as new. When I get over you. Sometimes I think I love you still. Wonder if I always will. Love for you is so hard to kill. But I'll get over you. I'll get over you. I'll get through, and when I do I'll be good as new. When I get over you…

I'll get over you. Don't think you can get me down. Cause I’ve been on lower ground. As long as you're not around… I’ll make it trough and I’ll get over you. Guess you were not worth my heart. You'll never hurt any part of me again cause I’ll start without you and I’ll get over you…

I KNOW I WILL…

A Trick of Fate…

Farewell in Velvet
Celine’s farewell… in Velvet, Zouk. I reach there with Audrey around 11pm plus in Audrey’s M3. Park right infront of Zouk entrance and 4 bodyguards escort us in without having to line up!!! Cayalar… found their table and the 4 bodyguards told Audrey that they will stand one side and look after her. I was like? Huh? Need meh? Then Audrey asks them to leave.

I was drinking coke the whole night until he asks me to drink his glass. He asks me for my car key before I drink. I told him I don’t have car keys. He asks for the second times. Celine told him I'm not driving. Told him I don’t want to drink but he insisted. Down a few glasses full of liquor and my head begins to swing. I was so high and I can’t stand straight. Was laughing and crying non stop for no particular reason. That night, I was having so much fun and it reminds me of his farewell few months ago. It’s so similar. He was asking me to drink and drink non stop. Told him I was drunk but he won’t let me go. Until one moment I can’t stand still and all I can do is dance. I can’t stop or sit or I will sure KOsss… was dancing with Celine an Audrey. He is standing behind me drinking with his friend. Suddenly his GF come stand infront of him as if she scare that I will grab him away. Fine with me, I stand further from him. But he come over and asks me to drink again. Down a few more and I told him it’s enough. I really can’t stand already and Audrey brings me to sit down on the couch. I jump up and sit as the seat is a bit high for me. Once I jump up, he pulled my right skirt and Audrey pulled my left down properly so that I won’t “chau kong” hahhaha. He stand right infront of me and the table to prevent me front “chau kong”. How caring. This remind me of the time when we are in the car. He did the same thing. He put his hand over to my skirt and says…”see, “chau kong” already lar… you want to let who see?” I was sitting there for a while and Celine come over and sit beside me. I ask her to keep me away from him as I scare I can’t control myself and will do silly thing. She said Ok.

I was sitting there and looking at him talking and dancing with his GF. Suddenly he pulls his GF to dance with Celine. He come over to my place and asks to go over to his side. I said no. but he take out his hand and ask me to come over. I gave him my hand and he pulls me over. Nearly lost my balance and I hold onto his waist. He did the same. I can’t stand any longer and I hug him. I just can’t control myself anymore (This reminds me of me telling him that I like hugging him, and he replied... good for you). I know what I did is wrong but I can’t stop myself from hugging him. I tried to avoid him. I really do. The problem is, he hugs me back. I don’t know how long we have hugged each other (I don’t want to let him go) until Celine comes and pulled him away. Pull me back to reality that I should not do it. He went back to his GF. The feeling of hugging him brings back all the memories that I was trying to let go...

I was dancing with Celine and suddenly he turns back and holds my waist. He pinches me. I was shock. The feeling is nice but his GF is just behind him. What can I do? I can’t do anything but to gently push him away. Audrey saw it and come stand in between of us. So I was sandwich between my 2 best friends; Celine and Audrey. Both trying to keep me away from him before any dramas happen. Thanks you to both of them. I remember seeing Celine pushing him away whenever he tries to grab me or hold me. Kinda funny tho.

Until now, I still think he care for me. He really do. But WHY? WHY?? Why are we only friend?? I still care and think about him a lot. Even Alex told me we are very close. Some of my colleagues also say that we should be together. No fate or is it a trick of fate? Bring us together, letting us knowing and understand each other, letting me fall for him and take him away from me!??!!

I never thought I'd find someone like you
Though in my every fantasy I saw you everyday
I thought there was no way - to make my dream come true

I always thought that I would be alone
Afraid to dream that anyone was ever gonna see
The love inside of me - but how could I have known

A trick of fate would bring us together
A trick of fate would alter our lives
We had to wait it seemed like forever
But never say never to a trick of fate

What were the chances I'd be here with you
That after all the lonely years of searching everywhere
I'd turn and you'd be there - from clear out of the blue

Our lives are in the hands of destiny
And though we try to take control
That's not the way it goes - a higher power knows
How it's supposed to be

A trick of fate brought us together
A trick of fate altered our lives
We had to wait it seemed like forever
But never say never to a trick of fate

And now, something has begun - something very new
And suddenly the future's looking bright
Somehow when two hearts beat as one, fairy tales come true
And anything seems possible tonight

A trick of fate brought us together
A trick of fate altered our lives
We had to wait it seemed like forever
But never say never to a trick of fate

It just goes to show
That you never know
Where love's gonna grow
- It's a trick of fate

This is a happy ending song which 2 lovers fall in love and their hearts beat as one after some struggles. Guess, I am not as lucky as them. Mine stop half way “A trick of fate brought us together… and it just stop there”. Sad ending instead. Sigh… TRICK OF FATE. Some with happy ending, some with sad ending. That’s life right? Not everybody have a happy ending. But never say never to a trick of fate. It does alter my live. I might not have happy ending with him, but we have a memories. A memories that only shared by the 2 of us. I’m sure once a while, when he encounter thing and stuff that we did before… IT WILL REMIND HIM OF ME. Isn't that enough? Love doesn't mean that we have to be together. As long as the other party is happy... It's already consider as a HAPPY ENDING... am I right???

Never Give Up!!!

Have you ever observed the behaviour of birds in the face of adversity? For days and days they make their nests, sometimes gathering materials brought from far away. And when they have completed the nest and are ready to lay eggs, the weather, or the work of humans, or some animal, destroys it, and it falls to the ground, all that they have done with so much effort.

Do they stop? Bewildered, and leave the work? No way. They start over building the nest again and again until they have eggs in the nest again. Sometimes,and very often before the chicks are hatched, an animal, a child, or a storm destroys the nest once again, but this time with its valuable contents. It hurts to go back to begin again… Even so, the birds do not ever stop, they continue to sing and build, and keep singing and building…

Do you sometimes get the feeling that your life, your work, your family is not what you had dreamed. Do you sometimes want to say “enough”, the effort is not worthwhile. It is all too much for me! Are you tired of it all? Do you feel that the daily struggle is a waste of time, your trust has been betrayed, your goals not reached just as you were about to get them? Life strikes you down sometimes, but do you go on, say a prayer, put your faith in hope, not darkness? Do not worry if you get injured in the battle, that is to be expected. Gather yourself together and rebuild your life, so that it runs well again. No matter what happens… Do not shrink back, but move forward. Life is a constant challenge, but it is worthwhile to mostly accept it.

And never stop singing. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP. Have Faith....

This is the day

This is the day
This is the day
That the Lord has made
That the Lord has made
We will rejoice
We will rejoice
And be glad in it
And be glad in it
This is the day that the Lord has made
We will rejoice and be glad in it
This is the day
This is the day
That the Lord has made.

Oops… this song doesn’t suit my mood today. Today is my Cibai friend; Celine’s last day in the company. She is one of the most important people to me in this company. After he left, my life change from a cheerful girl to a moody girl. But luckily she’s here to cheer me up. Words can’t descript how I am feeling right now. After I accepted the fact that he left, now I have to accept another fact that she is leaving too. She share all my ups and downs, she share all my shitty idea, she is my msn kaki, she is my gossiping and keepo-ing kaki, she is my breakfast kaki and she’s my smoking kaki. After she leave, nobody here to comfort me when I’m sad and nobody here to cheer me up when I’m moody. She is really a Cibai friend for doing this to me.

Btw, I wish you all the best in your new company. Hope that you will be loved there. You really are a Cibai friend but I’m not, so I wish you all the best in your future and be happy always. Love ya and I’ll miss you… dearly… MUCKS.

P/s… This is the second time I write this as the first one gone missing and IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT for rushing me to go smoking. The first one is funnier. What to do? You lar… rush me. And now, this is what you get.

Oh ya... another thing... I wanted to say thank you to you for all the things that you have done for me.

1) Convincing me to go Jeram Desu (so that I can spent time and know him better)

2) Lunar Bar (for calling him to come over and there's where all the pinchting fight begins...)

3) Inviting him to VMware event (that's where all the fairy tales begins...)

4) Not following me back on his farewell dinner (that's when all the unexpected things happened)

5) FOR ALL THE ARRANGEMENT YOU HAVE MADE WITH HIM FOR ME!!!

Thank you for all the memory that you have given to me. Happy or Sad, it will always be in my mind. Everything happen, happens for a reason!!!! Part of the reason GOD makes you come here is to give me all those memory that I thought that it won't happen to me. I always say, I never get anything that I want. But it proven me wrong... I've got him. Maybe it's just for a very short period... but I DID GOT HIM. Better than none right???

I Can't Hold Back MP3 Song

survivor - i can t hold back songs
Mp3 download | Music download

I Can't Hold Back

There's a story in my eyes
Turn the pages of desire
Now it's time to trade those dreams
For the rush of passion's fire
I can feel you tremble when we touch
And I feel the hand of fate
Reaching out to both of us
I've been holding back the night
I've been searching for a clue from you
I'm gonna try with all my might
To make this story line come true
Can ya feel me tremble when we touch
Can ya feel the hand of fate
Reaching out to both of us
This love affair can't wait

*I can't hold back, I'm on the edge
(I can't hold back)
You voice explodes inside my head
I can't hold back, I won't back down
Girl it's too late to turn back now*

Another shooting star goes by
And in the night the silence speaks to you and I
And now the time has come at last
Don't let the moment run too fast
I can feel you tremble when we touch
And I feel the hand of fate reaching out to both of us
There's a story in my eyes, turn the pages of desire
Now it's time to trade those dreams
For the rush of passion's fire

This Is What I Get???

“In regards to the issue you're facing, i must say that i'm deeply flattered that you like me, miss me and think about me a lot but unfortunately, to be honest, i don't share the same sentiment.

I apologise if i've ever led you to think and feel the way you're feeling now. It was not my intention from the start to end up in this predicament.

I thought you were matured enough to see the signals that i was giving which clearly showed that i'm not interested. It's not that you're a terrible person but frankly speaking, i'm not the right person for you. There're other better guys out there who'll suit you better.

I wish to see this as the last of this matter and we shall not touch on this issue again as i want to bury this hatchet. None of this will be mentioned again and i hope this will ease you in moving your life forward.

P/S: Would appreciate it if you could stop sending me text messages on your feelings and thoughts pertaining to the above as it can get overwhelming.”

We have been thru so much. We have done so much and this is what I get? Just friends and nothing more than that? I always ask myself... he don't like me? He really doesn’t like me? If he doesn’t even have the slightest feeling towards me, why does he do all those caring stuff? Why bother asking Celine to take care of me when he is not around? Why bother?

We still hang out once a while for dinner, karaoke, clubbing, drink tea with his new GF (which is my friend... or I should say; current colleague). Sometimes I wonder… things that we talk about or places that we go or things that he do with his new GF; remind him of me? I really wonder is there any empty spaces in his heart for me? I catches him a few times looking at me when the topic we talk about similar to what happened to us. Or am I imagining it?

Is that me that make him stay away from me? Because he thinks that I am a slut? That I play around with any Tom, Dick and Hairy? That I like any guys that come along? That he can’t find any security if he is with me?? Is that so? If it’s because of that, I really think he is a coward coz I told him before I’m a very loyal girl… Once my friend; Angeline told me before she thinks he is a coward if he stay away from me because of the above reason. She said… how could he let go of the person he likes just because he is scare? Just because of his past failure and he scare that he will drop flat at his face again? I guess he don’t trust me enough. Maybe is the way I portrait myself… Moral of the story… DO NOT give people wrong impression of yourself. BEHAVE!!!! :)

*** It’s all guessing and there’s no proof that what we guess above is correct. All based on our feeling…. Cheers

Why Are We Still Friends...

We do almost everything that lovers do. And that’s why it’s hard, just to be friends with you. Every time your heart is broken by the fool. I want you to know that it hurts me too. It’s hard to wipe your tears away. Knowing that you should be with me. Now tell me why… Why? Why are we still friends… When everything says we should be more than we are. And tell me why every time I find someone that I like…we always end up just being friends???

What can I do to make you love me? What can I do to make you care? What can I say to make you feel this? What can I do to get you there? I haven't slept at all in days; it's been so long since we've talked. There's only so much I can take. And I just got to let it go. And who knows I might feel better. If I don't try and I don't hope. No more waiting, No more aching. No more fighting, No more trying.

"Never look back," we said. How was I to know I'd miss you so? Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind. Where do I go? Even though time may find me somebody new. But you put a dart through my dreams through my heart. You promised yourself; But to somebody else. And you made it so perfectly clear… Still I wish you were here.

You're the one who set it up. Now you're the one to make it stop. I'm the one who's feeling lost right now. Now you want me to forget every little thing you said. But there is something left in my head; I won't forget the way you're kissing. The feelings so strong were lasting for so long. But I'm not the girl your heart is missing. That's why you go away I know.

Hiding from the rain and snow. Trying to forget but I won't let go. Looking at a crowded street. Listening to my own heart beat. So many people all around the world but tell me where do I find someone like you.

Maybe there's nothing more to say. And in a funny way I'm calm. Because the power is not mine. I'm just gonna let it fly.

A Moment Like This... (Zouk)

23-01-09 Farewell in Zouk

Today is the last day he works here. After work we are planning to go to Zouk for his farewell. This is a day which I never want it to come. How can I live without him here? My life would be so bored without him around teasing and kidding with me. I am so gonna miss him. Out of a sudden a song played in my mind… a song that describes my feeling of that moment…

How do I,

Get through the night without you?

If I had to live without you,

What kind of life would that be?

Oh, I

I need you in my arms, need you to hold,

You're my world, my heart, my soul,

If you ever leave,

Baby you would take away everything good in my life,

And tell me now

How do I live without you?

I want to know,

How do I breathe without you?

If you ever go,

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I, how do I,

oh how do I live?

Without you,

There'd be no sun in my sky,

There would be no love in my life,

There'd be no world left for me.

And I,

Baby I don't know what I would do,

I'd be lost if I lost you,

If you ever leave,

Baby you would take away everything real in my life,

And tell me now,

How do I live without you?

I want to know,

How do I breathe without you?

If you ever go,

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I, how do I,

oh how do I live?

Please tell me baby,

How do I go on?

If you ever leave,

Baby you would take away everything,

I need you with me,

Baby don't you know that you're everything,

Real in my life?

And tell me now,

How do I live without you,

I want to know,

How do I breathe without you?

If you ever go,

How do I ever, ever survive?

How do I, how do I,

oh how do I live?

How do I live without you?

How do I live without you baby?

Tears roll down but I have to pretend to be strong and happy for him. I force myself to smile and joke around as if his leaving doesn’t affect me at all. But deep down inside me, I wanna tie him down to his chair so that he can’t leave. Hahhaha. What a shitty idea. Celine always say she dunno where is all my shitty idea comes from. I wonder too. Ok enough of nonsense. Continue to my sad stories… I always wonder why the time is passing so slow during working hours and I pray and pray for it to pass faster but today, the time flies like nobody business and I pray and pray for it to pass slower. No matter how slow or how fast the time passes, the moment that I hate the most finally comes. He is packing and I went home to prepare myself for his farewell in ZOUK.

We meet in ZOUK entrance at about 11pm. Went in and order a bottle of Liquor. At first I only drink Coke, but then he teases me and dare me to drink his. I drank. After a few glass, I am a bit tipsy and can’t stand straight. Celine and I dance and dance; laughing non stop at all the nonsense that we talk. Trying to enjoy myself so that I won’t think so much. He holds onto me so that I won’t fall and he is there all the times to take care of me. I felt so secure and loved... my friend took our pictures holding each other. This is good as I can keep it as memories. Good times don’t last forever and it’s time to go home. He don’t let me drive and ask one of my colleague to drive us home. Half way he called and asks us to go mamak. We meet in Dharoos, Uptown. Drink for an hour and we decided to leave. I am sober but still he doesn’t want me to drive. So he suggest that Celine drive his car to fetch our colleague home and he take my car and we meet up at Celine’s place. I told him I can drive them home and he can go home from there. But he insisted that we stick to what he said. So Celine took his car and fetch her home and he took my car to Celine’s house. We reach Celine’s house and waited for her. We are teasing and pinching each other. It’s so much fun when I’m with him. We went down the car to smoke and I lean against him. The feeling is so indescribable. He starts pinching me again and I saw Celine is back with his car and the war stop. We finished our cigarettes and left. I MISS HIM SO MUCH...

"Never look back," we said

How was I to know I'd miss you so?

Loneliness up ahead, emptiness behind

Where do I go?”

I wonder…

A Moment Like This... (Sids)

22-01-09 Sids

A week has past since the incident. We never mentioned what had happened between us. I find it a bit awkward to face or talk to him. Dunno where to start and dunno what to talk. I think he feels the same way too. I tried to be normal but I’m not normal. How can I pretend to be normal when I know there is something very wrong between us? I started to think that that night was just a bonus night, a night that won’t happened if both of us was sober. I started to think that maybe he is just into a rebound relationship or it’s normal for him to do this to any other girls. I started to think that he regretted on what happened and it won’t happen again!!! I regretted that I didn’t ask him how he feels towards me. I regretted that we didn’t do “it” that night. I pray for a second chance, I pray and wish that if only I got a second chance to be alone with him… I will ask and do it. No matter what... but I guess it’s just won’t happen again… sigh

Today, a few of our colleague are going for a farewell dinner for him after work in a restaurant at Paramount, PJ. I’m driving him there as I dunno how to get to that place. We are a bit late as we took the wrong turn and got lost but we managed to get there. Had our dinner, drank a bit of wine and chatted happily, laughing and making fun of each other. His phone rang and I over heard that his friend is asking him for second round in Sids and he agrees to join them later. My dreams broke into million pieces as I won’t get a chance to be with him… ALONE!!! One of my colleague ask me whether is there any second round after this and I told them to ask him coz its his farewell and not mine. He kept quite. Means NO. So we paid for the bill and get to our car. I thought he will ask me to fetch him back to office to collect his car so that he can go and meet up with his friend. Instead, he looks up at me and says “now, let’s go for second round” I was shocked that he invited me. I asked him where are we going and who are we meeting and what time are we leaving as tomorrow is Friday...sadly to say; working day!!! He told me we are going to Sids, meeting up with few of his friend and we will be off around 12am as he just needs a glass of beer. I agreed. I am so happy that he invited me. SO so happy…

On the way to Sids, he ask me whether I know how to get there or not and I said yes. He told me that he doesn’t believe me and if I ever take a wrong turn then I will owe him one pinch. I agree. I nearly took the wrong turn and he claim that I owe him a pinch. We argue coz I told him the turning is not here yet but he says “I know u very well. If you know the turning coming soon, from far you will keep to your left already”. Which is true; I have to admit. Half way I ask him a question so that I can contra off the pinch that I owe him. I asked “do you know what song is this?” He replied “if I know the song’s title and the singer, how? You owe me another 2 pinch!!” I said ok. And to my surprise he knows the song and the singer!!! It’s a song sang by Jay Chow and the title is “Hua Hai”. A banana that’s knows Chinese song… hahahhaha. He said that I totally owe him 3 pinches!! I told him I’m not letting him pinch me. Every time he pinches me, I will surely get blue-black here and there. He says no way and I’m gonna get it from him later...

We reached Sids, ordered our drinks and he chatted happily with his friends. I listened to them chatting and playing sms at the same time. Each time my sms ring, he will look at me with one funny look. I said sorry and mute my phone. His brother comes later and I chat with him. We left around 12.30am and his brother offers to fetch him back to office to collect his car but he insisted that I will fetch him; which I don’t mind at all. As usual he likes to kacau me when I’m driving; skips all my favorite song that are playing on my radio; giving me the funny faces and asking me to keep my eyes on the wheel; pinching and making fun of me.

We reached office around 12.45am and I walked with him to B2 to get his car. Along the way to his car, he started to pinch me and I fight back we laugh and laugh till we get into his car but the fighting didn’t stop. We had lots of fun in the car until we saw a security guard walking around and we decided to drive off. We drove to the parking behind stadium. That is the place that brings the most memorable memories. The memories that will stay in my mind forever… the feeling of kissing him, the feeling of hugging him, the feeling when we touch, the feeling of him being around me, the feeling of sleeping on his lap, the feeling of him pinching me, the look when he smiles, his eyes, his strong arms, his fingers, his everything… that night we finally did it… but we stop half way as there is passer by. He told me that we can continue next time. I told him it’s very nice hugging him. And he said good for you… we smoked outside his car. I hug him so tight. So so tight. I wanted to ask him so badly how he thinks of me. I really do. But words just don’t come out from my mouth. I am speechless, wordless…

Sometimes I asked GOD; WHY? Why get me in this type of situation? Why can’t I be with the one that I like? Why he doesn’t like me? Why? Why? Why? But I guess the problem is not with GOD. It’s ME. GOD gave me a second chance but I missed it. I am so regret. But I can’t turn back time and I can’t change thing that had happen. These teach me a lesson… opportunity is not always here, and when it’s here you gotta grab it before it’s too late. I guess me and him has no fate after all. I always tell my friend… “When GOD take something away from you, it’s because he wants to give you something BETTER” I always believe it… always do.

“God will make a way

Where there seems to be no way

He works in ways we cannot see

He will make a way for me

He will be my guide

Hold me closely to His side

With love and strength for each new day

He will make a way....

He will make a way

By a roadway in the wilderness

He'll lead me

And rivers in the desert will I see

Heaven and earth will fade

But His Word will still remain

And He will do something new today”

Emmanuel

A Moment Like This... (Madigras)

15-01-09 Madigras

“A moment like this

Some people wait a lifetime,

For a moment like this

Some people search forever,

For that one special kiss

Oh, I can't believe it's happening to me

Some people wait a lifetime,

For a moment like this

Could this be the greatest love of all?

I wanna know that you will catch me when I fall

So let me tell you this...

Some people wait a lifetime

For a moment like this…”

This day is a very special day which unexpected things happened just like in fairy tales. It’s just like I’m dreaming a dream that I always wanted to dream. A dream that I’ve been longing for a very long time…A dream that I want it to last forever…

Here goes the story… Celine had an event in 1 Utama; Madigras for her partner and invited me and him to go over for drinking session after work. I asked him whether can he fetch me there and I will follow Celine’s car back to office after the event to collect my car coz he told me he might want to go to gym later. He agreed. At 6.30 pm I walk to his place and tell him I will drive my car up to the open air car park and wait for him. But he asks me to drive him instead. I do as requested, drive him to 1 Utama. On the way, I asked him… “Why don’t you drive? Then you can go gym and I can follow Celine back. Now u have to come back all the way here to get your car and drive all the way back there.” He replied “I like ar…. I got time or I can go tomorrow.” It’s fine with me…anyway I don’t mind driving him around, as long as I can be with him.

Reached Madigras, lots of partner is there. We went separately to entertain our partners. Free flow of beers and coke!!! I love Coke!!! But sadly, I am not allowed to drink coke. So beer… here I come. Drink and drink and drink till most of the partner leave. Only a few of us are still there and we continue to drink. Havoc. This one hugs that, that one hugs this… some KOsss… some dancing… some drinking… I asked him to protect m from this guy which I don’t really like, he did. The whole night he is protecting me from this guy. Took up my beer to drink but he stop me, say it’s enough already. If I want to drink, drinks slowly don’t bottom up. He is so caring and that’s the reason why I like him in the first place. Party over and we decided to go yam cha at mamak. He holds my hand to support me and we walk to the parking as I can’t walk straight. (I’m drunk, I admit) Suddenly, he looks at me and says “I wonder what will happen to you when I’m not here. Can you don’t do this when I’m not around?” I say “Yes. I promise you”. Then he adds “So nice or not… V hugs you?” I thought I hear wrongly so I ask him what he said again. He said nothing… forget it. Reached my car but he don’t let me drive. So he drove to Dharoos Uptown. When we reach there he asks me to call Celine and see whether she reach already or not. I told him she is here already coz her car is parked behind us. I open the car door to get down but he is still sitting there not moving. Asked him why he says he is wearing his shoe. I tease him why wear shoe also have to take so long? I called him fatty and he pinches me. We start pinching each other and laughing till I am so tired I lie down on his lap. Told him I need 5 minutes and he waited. After a few minutes, we went down and meet the rest. Ordered our drinks and food. He put my car keys on the table and I took back. He looks at me and asks me to give him back the car key and I say no. He insisted and I gave him back. He looks at Celine and says “Please take care of her when I’m not around.” I feel so touched when I hear him say that. Never before a guy care for me so much and this make me like him more and more.

After mamak, he fetches me back to office to get his car. Entrance to B2 parking is closed so he parks my car at the open air car park. There we start pinching each other again. And honestly, I enjoyed it. We are laughing hysterically. I told him I will walk him down to B2 to get his car. We hold hand and walk to B2 pinching and laughing all the way to his car. Entered his car and he drive up and park next to my car. I don’t want to get down from his car but I can’t just sit there right? So I ask him to give me back my car key. And he asks me to get it myself from his driver seats compartment. I did as told and he did not stop me!!! I thought he will stop me from getting my car key and we can stay together a little longer. BUT… he didn’t. Sadly, I open his car door and when I was about to get out of it, he pinch me!! hahahhaha. That’s it. I get back into the car and the war begins… we fight till we are so exhausted I was lying on his lap again playing with his phone. His hand is around my waist. It feels so right. Suddenly he told me my GM is walking towards us. I’m shocked and sit right up. I dunno whether my GM see or knows it’s us or not. He walks to his car and drive away. Gosh… that was scary. Few cars coming towards our place and he suggest we go somewhere else and since we are out of cigarette, I told him to go to the nearest petrol station to get it. We drove to Shell, bought a pack of ciggy and drive to the apartment near to our office. He park along the road side. We smoke. I was on his lap lying down resting while he starts pinching me again. I asked him what he wants in return for the Mickey Mouse that he bought for me. He said he can't think of any for the moment. Once he knows what he want, he will let me know. I told him he only got till this Friday, as that will be his last day. So might as well let me know now. He think for a while and he says "I want lifetime pinching" and smiles... Oh GOD, I can't forget the looks of his face when he smiles, the glitters of his eyes... This is when the magical moment happens…. A moment that I always wanted, a moment that I have long for a very long time…A moment that I will remember forever; we touched, we kissed (I always wonder how does it feel to kiss him), we hug, I gave him a love bite on his neck and he gave me back; 3!!! I told him not to leave the company as I will miss him very much. He smiled. And replied “I know you will miss me, but it’s too late. I have to leave. I know that you like me very much”. I admitted to him that I do like him very much (I wanted to ask him whether he feels the same towards me but I don’t dare). He didn’t tell me how he feels. He didn’t tell me that he feels the same way nor he dislikes me. But the moment seems so real, he seems so real, everything seems so real… I can't believe it's happening to me!!! He was there with me from 12.30am till 3.30am. He said that I’m drunk and he wants to wait till I’m sober. I told him I am sober but he doesn’t believe me. So, we spent 3 hours quality time together. I told him it’s late and we shall leave else he won’t be able to wake up to work tomorrow. I told him I don’t mind spending the whole night there with him but tomorrow is a working day… so we better get going. We smoke the last cigarette and he fetches me back to office and gets my car…. THE END…. For the day… :)

A Moment Like This... (Luna Bar)

12-01-09 Luna Bar

I told Alex that I never been to Luna Bar… I heard that it is a very nice place and he suggested to we go there for a drink. Celine and I agree… so there we go. I was so amazed with the place the moment I step in. It feels so good, so relaxing just by sitting there with the cold breeze blowing and blowing. We ordered 3 jugs of beers… which I know that we can’t finish but because it’s on happy hours and the price is cheaper compare to if we order jug by jug. What to do, human nature… Kiasu. Hahahha

We chat and drink and laugh and laugh and drink and chat from dawn till night. We chat about almost everything from work to friends to relationships to family and all kind of shits. Sitting there wondering how can 3 of us finish the 3 jugs of beer that we ordered, Alex suggested to we call him to come over and join us. I told them that he won’t come all the way here just for a glass of beer and tonight it’s his gym night!! They insist… took my handphone and call him. While Alex is talking to him on the phone, Celine and I stood up, look out the windows and scream our lungs out. We are a bit tipsy at that moment. Alex told us that he is coming over to meet us which I think it’s unbelievable.

Celine and I thought that he will ffk but he show up 45 mins later. My heart beats so fast like it’s gonna fall out any minutes. I am so happy to see him. Celine pull Alex away so that I can spend some time alone with him… and I’m glad that she did it. While she is gone with the wind for almost an hour, we had… or I think I should say; I had a very wonderful time being alone with him in such a nice and romantic place. We were fighting and pinching each other; laughing away; chatting; drinking; disturbing each other. A day that I will never forget for a very very long time. Celine and Alex came back to join us; but the fighting and pinching session continues. Alex took a few pictures of us fighting which is now store in my handphone for personal viewing. When I miss him I will take a look at the picture and the memories just flash back in my mind like it just happened last night.

"Thinking of you, I'm thinking of you... All I can do is just think about you. Thinking of you, I'm thinking of you. Whenever I'm blue I am thinking of you. No matter how I try I don't find a reason why.. Believe me it's no lie I always have you on my mind"

A Moment Like This…(Jeram Desu)

13-12-08 Jeram Desu

Company organized a trip to Jeram Desu, a 2 days 1 night trip. I got to know that none of my close colleague or my friend is going for this trip. The only person I know it’s him and the rest are aliens to me.

I was thinking of not going to the trip but Celine asked me to go and have fun with him. Spent some quality time there together since none of them I know he will sure take care of me. I doubt that at the moment but decided to go ahead as planned.

Reached office the next morning and waited for the bas to come. He came... smelling like he just took his bath with alcohol and start counting people and arranging the parking for us. He drags me down to B1 to look for the guards informing them that we will park our car there over night. Then I went up to the bus thinking that I will be sitting alone throughout the whole trip… sigh. Then there he came, walk straight to my place and sit beside me. I secretly smile. We did not talk much throughout the journey as both of us are exhausted with the late night party we had separately the day before. We sleep throughout the trip. It was cold inside the bus but luckily i bought along my cardigan. Halfway through the journey i woke up finding it a bit warm... i saw the aircon is off and i asked him did he off it, he said yes. So sweet of him. I'm so touched. He snatched my pillow and hug it so tight...He falls asleep with it within minutes...

Reached there, he gave me all his belonging (wallet, handphone, cigarette, clothes etc) and I put it all in my bag pack. People are wondering why isn’t he bringing anything with him since we have to change after all the sports that we gonna play. He just point at me and say “there… my maid is carrying all my stuff for me”. After all the tiring and exhausted game, we went back to hotel, washed up and go for dinner. After dinner a bunch of us went out for a walk around the small town and we end up at this bar to have some drinks. I got to know to that my roommate wont be back early and I started to get panic as I am very scare to stay in hotel room myself. He told me not to worry he will teman me till my roommate come back. So sweet of him. All the fear gone… We drank till around 11plus and when back to hotel. He told me to stay in his room and wait, I agree. We sit there for like 30 mins and he suggest to we go to the karaoke room and join the others while his roommate is sleeping in the room. We went down for a while and its damn cold in the room. We went out to smoke, he holds my arms and says… “Wow... you feel so cold” I told him its very cold inside and he brings me back to his room, we watch movie but I am so sleepy and drunk. He took out his bottle of water and passes it to me, ask me to drink more water. I drank. He took his bath, come out smelling so fresh and I offer him my lotion. He asks me to help him with it, which I don’t mind helping at all. I rub the lotion on his hand, fingers and shoulder. We waited… and waited till I fall asleep beside him (he is leaning against the bed watching tv). It feels so good sleeping beside him, I feel so secure with him around me. 2am and my roommate still not back yet, I know he is tired and I told him I’m going back to my room and sleep.

The next day, we went to water fall in four wheel drive; the road is bumpy and winding, along the journey he kept on asking me to put my leg inside the four wheel drive as he is afraid I will get hurt from the branches. I am very happy that he care… really. Cutting the story short… we play water, change and travel all the way down, shower, and its time to go home. Along the way we stop by this famous “taufu” store, I bought a bottle of soya bean and we share. Then we stop by “kacang” factory. There he bought a packet of peanut. When up the bas… he opens that packet of peanut and start eating. He offer me and I took a few as I am not a peanut lover. He asked why did I stop eating and I told him I have no energy to peel after all those energy using game that we went through. He looks at me unbelievably and speechless… he peels it for me but I told him it’s nicer to eat without the dressing. Shockingly, he did that for me!!! Ask me to open my mouth and he put it in. That was so sweet. After finishing the peanuts we chat and start pinching each other (he likes pinching me… which I dunno why). Suddenly he ask me to help him put on some lotion as his hand are very dry. I did. Out of a sudden, he looks at me and tells me “you treat me so good”. These words are very normal but coming out from his mouth is… is… it just feel so good. He knows I care about him, and I feel that he care about me too throughout this trip.

Finally we reach back to office. He asks me to teman him till his parents come and fetch him. We waited in my car… pinching each other, playing “one two jus” and the winner get to slap the loser!!! Hahhahaha. It’s so fun and memorable. We laugh and laugh till his parents came…. TBC.

The Tales of 3 Hearts and a Mickey Mouse

I received the first heart during our lunch in Bayu Timor. Me, him and another colleague went there to have lunch. While waiting for the food to come, he pulls out the piece of paper from his cigarette box and start folding. He asks us what we want him to fold… and I said dolphin!! He smile and say no. And he continues to fold. Again he asked, guess what he is folding, I said I dunno which is a lie. I know what he is doing but I pretend to be stupid. My colleague replied… heart. He smiled. After finished folding the heart, I thought he will give it to my colleague but instead he looks at me and says… “Nah, give you”. I was like “huh, for me??... Thanks” and I kept it in my handbag.

2nd heart is when we have dinner with a group of colleague in a Chinese restaurant somewhere in PJ. As usual, he just pulls out that piece of paper and start folding. This time he just put in on my hand… I was surprise and I quickly close my hand so that the rest don’t notice it. Then he said “haiya, give u also no use. I’m sure u will lost it” and I told him I won’t.

The 3rd heart is the most memorable one. He is going to HK for Christmas holiday with his family. I told him I wants souvenir... I want MICKEY MOUSE!!! He said NO!!! You gotta earn it if you want it. So whatever he asked me to do… I’ll do it for him. Like taking water for him, throwing rubbish, throwing his cigarette ashes etc etc. Before he left for his plane, I send him sms reminding him about my Mickey Mouse. He didn’t reply. Time pass so slow without him around the office. Finally he came back to work on Friday, I asked him bout the Mickey Mouse. He said he didn’t buy coz he can’t find it in HK. He said he didn’t go Disneyland and there isn’t any MM in the entire HK!! I told him it’s ok coz I didn’t expect him to get me anything. I asked him to teman me go pay parking fees in B1 which he agrees. We went down and smoke before we pay the parking. He asks me to take out my hand… which I did and he places his empty cigarette box onto my hand and asks me to throw for him. I said no coz he didn’t get me the MM. He said he tried to find but can’t get. I told him, too bad… then u gotta throw it yourself. He holds the box and was trying to get something out of there. Took something out and gave it to me… it was the 3rd one. I told him I don’t want this, I only want MM but deep down in my heart…. I SMILED…

Weekend comes and goes… sigh… I hate Monday. I hate Monday. As usual, I reached office at 8am dragging my legs to walk to my cubicle. On the way I saw there is souvenir on my colleagues table… but there aren’t any on my table!!!! WTF??? How come I don’t have??? I was thinking to myself, this gonna make my day even worst… open up my drawer to put in my handbag… there I saw this MM plastic bag. Took it out and open it… a Mickey Mouse looking at me with a broad smile. I smiled back… even broader… :)

Buried in the Sand...

Port Dickson...

I started to like him when we were in Port Dickson last year. I don't remember exactly which month or date. We were there because one of our colleague is not happy. Four of us drive down to Port Dickson. We ate dinner in a restaurant beside the beach. We chat and laugh... It's one of the memories that I won't forget.

When we came back, lots of thing happened which I don't know how to write it down. All those memories that I won't forget. All those memories that I don't want to forget. But now, I think I should forget all of it and start on my new life...

Last week, a group of us went to Port Dickson to celebrate his birthday. There I got to know that he is now with someone. And that someone is my friend. I am very happy for both of them. I am happy that he can finally let go of his past failure and start accepting other people. Sincerely. He is the one that teach me how to fold the "Heart" in the picture. I remembered he gave me 3 of those. I lost one of it and kept the other 2 in my house. I fold this when we are in the beach last week. I was sitting there looking at them playing water happily, I was stuck in between feeling happy and sad at the same time. I am very happy for them but feeling sad for myself. That moment I decided to let everything go. EVERYTHING. I dig a hole in the sand and place the "Heart" inside and buried it. Buried it deep inside the place where it all started. I guess life is like that, it will end where it started.

"Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment."

IF

The "IF" Questions...

I am driving home from work and as usual was stuck in the jam. My mind starts to wonder around and suddenly the word “IF” just appear in my head. “IF” is such a common word that I believe everyone of us will use. I like using the word “IF”… often I ask my self “IF” I know… "IF" i don't know... “IF” I do this…. “IF” I don’t do this…"IF” I am … "IF I am not...“IF” he loves me… “IF” he don’t loves me… all these “IF” question often pop up in my mind. I even wrote him a letter using the word “IF” (with the help of my friend, haha)

“IF I have never met you, I would never know you. IF I never known you, we would never be friend. IF we were never friend, then we wouldn’t spend time together. IF we have never spent time together, then we would never know each other. IF we never know each other, then I would never have like you. IF I never like you, I will never have miss you this much…”

See the amount of “IF” that I use? We like to use the word “IF” even in Beyonce’s song; If I were a boy. The first time when I heard it playing in the radio, I like it so much. Sometimes I really wish that I am a boy even just for a day so that I can understand what they are thinking in their brain. They say women are hard to understand but to me, men are worst. Their ego is so huge until they refuse to listen or even try to understand a woman. Women are a very simple living creature. All they want is someone that care, love and understand them. Someone that will be there for her when she needed them. That’s all. Simple right? But it seems so hard for them to do it.

Oops..coming back to the topic, in the middle of the jam… I was thinking why the hell do we like or even use the word “IF”, why would it ever appear in the English dictionary? BECAUSE… there is no “IF”!!!! Example: If I were a boy… (But you are not a boy!! There is no way that you can be or think like a boy) or if I didn’t do this… (But you already DID!!) or If he loves me, then he wont… There is not IF. It’s either you are or you are not. It’s either you do this or that. It’s either he loves you or he doesn’t. NO “IF”… So why bother using the word “IF”? Why bother asking yourself “IF”? We can’t turn back time and redo what we have already done and we can’t change the fact!!!

So…STOP asking yourself the “IF” question. It won’t bring anything to you but hurt. You know you did something wrong but you can’t change the fact. The more you think about “IF…” the more hurts you will get. This teaches me a lesson, think with your head and feel with your heart before you make any decision. Whatever that’s done is done. There is nothing that we can do about it. No point to linger around the problem and make yourself miserable. So treasure your life and the people around you before it’s too late.

“Yesterday is HISTORY. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it present...”

ENJOY each day of your life!!! :p

Have You Ever

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever,have you ever

Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything up to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever,have you ever

Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all your life
You'd do just about anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for that day
when they will care

Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have you ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever,have you ever

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get to your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Cuz baby I can't sleep

Have you ever?

I remember once my friend asked me, do you like him or do you love him? It's just a few months since you guys are so close together. Are you sure it's love and not like? I asked her what is the different between likes and love? She ask me to google and find out the different coz she wanna know as well. I tried googling and above is what I found. Which i think it's kinda true, when u love someone you just cant find the right words to express yourself. You are willing to do almost everything just to make him happy. You will do almost anything just to see him smile. You know it's love when all you want is that person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness. Love is when you shed a tear and still want him, it's when he ignores you and you still love him, it's when he loves another girl but you still smile and say I'm happy for you, when all you really wanna do is cry. That's LOVE. That's when i tell her it's love as i have experience all the above....

“Meeting him was fate, becoming his friend was a choice, but falling in love with him I had no control over.”

Even when i received his e-mail telling me that he doesn't share the same sentiment and my friend kept telling me that he is just toying with my feeling... nothing more than that. I did not get mad or angry with him. I enjoyed the moment we are together. Sometimes when I sit down and think back those days, I'll smile broadly... I love him, but I can't control how he feels about me. I can't force him to feel the same way as I felt for him. All I can do now is to be his friend and hope that one day, one fine day miracle will happen to both of us...

Life is like a roller coaster

Life is like a roller coaster. It's always a different thrill each day. For it's never the same ride for all. Sometimes it's up, sometimes it’s down. Twisting and turning, through thick and thin, Up and down... Some people scream, some people shout, some cry, some laugh. Same goes to me...

I’ve been laughing and crying for the past 5 months. Laugh is because of all the little little things that he does, the care that he shows and the time that we spent together… it was like a dream comes true, moments that I will never forget… we are not in a relationship but somehow the thing that we do is more than what friends will do. I really like and care for him and he knew it. Maybe it’s normal for him to do this to a girl but for me it’s something very real and sweet. He never tell me how he feels about me, whether he likes me or not. I wanted to ask him so much but I don’t have the guts to ask. So I decided to send him email telling him about my feeling and asking whether he feels the same. He replied. The answer from him was… he didn’t share the same sentiment. It hurts so much; it’s like a knife stab straight right into my heart. Tears fall down uncontrollably. Days pass by like years to me. I cried till my tears within runs dry…

My friends notice that I changed from a cheerful and talkative girl to a moody, quite and bad tempered creature. They are worried bout me. Celine; is there for me all this time. She knows the happy and the sad story of mine. She stays with me throughout my hard times. Trying her best to cheer me up and listening to all my crappy complains. She sacrifices all her time to go out with me… drinking, shopping, watching movie, clubbing etc till LATE to keep me occupied. I can’t sleep and eat well for months. It’s so suffering. She consult me non stop asking me to forget bout him and move on with my life. She told me it’s not worth it to go through all this pain for a guy that does not care about me, don't cry over someone that won't cry over you and no guy is worth your tears and when you find The One that is he won't make you cry. I know and I understand. That’s what I use to advise my friend when they are unhappy. But… HELL!!! It’s easier said than done!!!

It goes on for the past few weeks. Didn’t sleep much, didn’t eat much. Damn, I’m exhausted. I’m so tired and sick with my life, having to cope with my emotion and work. But GOD loves me so much that he sends down his angel to look after me… that is my lovely and caring friends. As time goes by, I don’t miss him that much but the feeling of liking him is still there. I tried to talk to him the way we used to talk and pretend that nothing happen between us. I’m doing it quite well for the moment and I think it could be better… It’s just the matter of time. All I need TO DO is...

"Forget the times he walked by, Forget the times he made you cry, Forget the times he spoke your name, Remember now your not the same.

Forget the times he held your hand, Forget the sweet things if you can, Forget the times & Don't pretend, Remember now he's just your friend."

Today is Good Friday… the road to my office is so clear. It’s been so long that I never drive so smoothly along that stupid LDP in the morning to work. I was thinking to myself, today must be my lucky day; no jam; nice music playing on the radio; weekend coming; and most importantly TGIF!!! Reach car park and saw Celine just reach as well. She asks me to enter to her car to listen to a very meaningful song. As I listen to the song, I felt so peaceful and relaxing. It gives me the strength to carry on with my life positively. Below is how the song goes…

I WILL OVERCOME

There are times when I cry
Till my tears within runs dry
From the pain deep inside that won’t subside
But when I close my eyes and try
To see the brighter side in life
Lord you reveal Your strength in me
With the will to survive

I may overcome
The struggles in my life
Yes I must overcome
All evil plans and lies
Lord I will overcome
For Your purpose in my life
Cause I believe in You
On the Cross You saw me through
That I will overcome

All the questions in my mind
And the love I leave behind
Of the people and the loved ones in my life
But as I close my eyes and cry
The tears of peace I now realize
When Lord you reveal Your Hands to me
With Heaven in my sight

Cheers...